Going back to work after having my baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! PERIOD.
I am so blessed / fortunate to work for a company that gives women 18 weeks paid maternity leave. Don’t get me wrong, I am so beyond grateful for that. For me, I took some additional unpaid time off and it got me a total of almost 6 months with my baby girl. I ended up having to return to work at the beginning of the new year. Even before I gave birth I started having anxiety about having to go back to work after having my baby. In general, I suffer from bad anxiety. The closer and closer I came to having to return to work, the worse my anxiety got.
For several nights, every night leading up to my return, I cried my eyes out. I cried more in those 2-3 weeks than I probably did in my whole life combined. I just didn’t know how I was going to handle it. I just knew I had to do what was best for my baby and suck it up. Ever since I was a young girl I dreamed of being a stay at home mom. When the time came for it, my husband and I decided it would be best for me to return to work. Well, it wasn’t necessarily a discussion as much as it was a necessity. Unfortunately, we cannot live off my husband’s income alone. We talked about trying to figure out a way to make my dream possible one day. I am going to hold on to the hope that we may be able to make that happen before my daughter starts school.
I have been back to work for almost 3 months now and I still hate the fact that I must work. I feel so guilty missing out on so much of my daughter’s life. I sit and wonder what new things is she learning, what is she thinking, is she okay, etc… No matter what I do, I cannot get over this feeling of guilt and sadness. It is so hard being away from her. I try and tell myself often that me working is what is best for her right now. I know it is, I just wish there was a way around it. People keep telling me ‘it will get better…’, but it is still so very hard. I try to make sure I’m constantly balancing my work and personal life. It is so important to keep your priorities in check and make sure you can still be there for your kids when you need to be. Fortunately, my job allows some flexibility when things pop up. I don’t want my work to suffer either, so I try to make sure to be present in both places. My family will always come first (as they should).
My first day back, I was listening to the radio on my way to work. Of course, ‘It Wont Be Like this for Long’ by Darius Rucker. Oh man, the tears just poured down my face. Was it a sign??? I couldn’t finish listening to it. I had so much stress and anxiety in my body that I physically made myself ill. I ended up running a fever and had a cold. After about two weeks, I started getting back into the groove at work. Again, it was still very hard, IT IS VERY HARD.
Since being back at work I have realized something. There are three types of working moms out there: 1) Moms who would rather be at work to get a break from their kids (they don’t NEED to work) 2) Moms who would rather be at work to get a break from their kids (they HAVE to work) 3) Moms who genuinely would rather be at home with their kid (they HAVE to work). I am definitely in bucket ‘3’. I was secretly hoping I would end up being in bucket ‘2’, but that didn’t work out. I thought bucket 2 might help me feel less guilty.
The ONLY thing that helps with the fact that I have to leave my baby every day, is that she is being well taken care of by family members. I still have a lot of anxiety about leaving her with anyone, but family helps alleviate a little of that anxiety (not all). For my ‘stay at home mom’ dreams, I want my daughter to be raised by me, not anyone else. Working full time makes that impossible, but fortunately, I still get to spend the most time with her. She’s enjoying her time with her Auntie Ree Ree right now. She gets a lot of love!
I hope Leia understands one day that everything I do, I do it for her. If me working right now is what is best (which it is), I will do it for my child. I want to make sure she is well taken care of no matter what. My kid (or kids, hopefully one day) will always be my number 1 priority in life. I will do whatever it takes to take care of her/them.
At the end of the day, a mom needs to feel good about herself. She needs to take care of herself (physically, mentally and emotionally). If working helps a mother feel that way, go for it. If you can afford it and it makes sense for you, stay home and take care of your kids. We as mothers need to take care of ourselves and each other. We know what’s best for our children and we will love them more than anyone.
If you are a new mother who will be going back to work, just remember you ARE NOT ALONE and you CAN DO IT! If you have been in the same situation, feel free to share your experiences.